Republicans have seized the Senate with an impressive midterm victory. In doing so they have brought millions more Americans into the conservative fold. Women, minorities, even Millennials voted for the Grand Old Party in numbers that won't make the liberal establishment happy. With bravery and determination our newly right-leaning brethren have arrived and I am here to welcome you.

I know it wasn't easy. I too was once, in the words of David Mamet, a "brain-dead liberal." Your belief that the helping hand of the federal government could guide you from cradle to grave has gone up in smoke. Your assumptions that the world could live in peace if it wasn't for George W Bush and American aggression have been shattered by beheadings you can't bring yourself to watch on YouTube. It's a difficult time for you, it's a hard thing to admit, your spouse might even blog about being married to a Republican. But fear not. You are doing the right thing, both literally and metaphorically.

The question you now face is, what kind of Republican should you be? There are many choices and it can seem daunting at first. So I have provided a simple guide to help you decide. As you peruse and choose, remember that there is no right answer, either literally or metaphorically. Just dive on in and figure out what works best for you.

Paleoconservatives: This is the oldest and most established brand in the conservative catalogue. The earliest references to paleocons appear in a cave painting found in western Connecticut in which a stick figure resembling William F Buckley Jr. is depicted hiding pelts from a tax collector. Keeping more of what you earn is the beating heart of this original American conservative movement. But paleoconservatism isn't just about not paying taxes, it's also about boating and reading PG Wodehouse. This is a polished brand that has stood the test of time and loves to look down its nose at its newcomer rivals.

You might be a Paleoconservative if: You enjoy gin as a card game and an afternoon snack; You attended a school that has its own tie.

Required Reading: National Review, American Conservative

Neoconservatives: With a prefix derived from the Greek word "neo," meaning "new," neocons are the war loving, American expansionists in the conservative Universe. Unlike other conservatives, neocons do not fear taxation, so long as the revenue goes to nuclear weapons that can reach Mars. There is a common misconception that all necons are Jewish. This is nonsense as several neocons, such as myself, are only half Jewish. Founded by Trotskyites who sort of gave up on Marx, neocons are intellectual, aggressive and fond of writing articles that are way too long.

You might be a neoconservative if: You still think Noam Chomsky is a talented linguist; You find yourself often yelling "But we did find WMDs!"

Required Reading: Commentary, The Weekly Standard, City Journal

Libertarians: Once relegated to the odd Ron Paul appearance on the Morton Downey Jr. show, libertarians -- the bad boys of conservatism -- have been spreading their wings in recent years. Founded on the idea that "I don't give a damn about you or anybody else that isn't me," this political philosophy was born of Ayn Rand's bodice ripping romances and several extensive conversations that Lyndon LaRouche had with space aliens. As the libertarian heir apparent, Senator Rand Paul is poised for a major presidential run in 2016 with his campaign slogan, "Paul 2016: Get the Hell Off my Lawn."

You might be a libertarian if: You appear on television news shows not wearing a tie; You sleep on a pillow filled with gold ingots.

Required Reading: Reason, The Federalist, Cato Journal

Tea Party Conservatives: Named after the famous scene in Lewis Carroll's classic Alice in Wonderland,the Tea Party is a raucous and fun loving group known as the comic con of conservatism. Unlike other conservatives, Tea Party members are known for wearing wacky outfits and making homemade signs, often with folksy misspellings. What started with Rick Santelli's rant on cable news has, over the last several years, spawned even more rants on cable news.

You might be a Tea Party member if: You own more than nine articles of clothing with an American flag on it; Family members under 30 have all blocked your emails.

Required Reading: Red State, Hot Air, Washington Free Beacon (or just Sonny Bunch's tweets)

Reformicons: The newest faction in the conservative world are the reformicons. Headquartered in a small closet in the hallway outside the offices of the National Review, these policy wonks have new solutions. But since most of these solutions involve a lot of math nobody really knows what they are. Though their natural habitat is sparsely attended panel discussions at major universities, reformicons can sometimes be seen on the subway reading the New York Times and mumbling "you're all crazy" to themselves over and over.

You might be a reformicon if: You are Yuval Levin.

Required Reading: Plato's Republic

Once you have decided which conservative type best applies to you, go get a twitter handle that mentions your group and also an image indicative of it. Hours and hours of pleasurable infighting await you. You see, you aren't a liberal anymore: you can engage with people who disagree with you. You can actually have a conversation that consists of saying more than, "yeah, I know, right?" and "that's so, so true." I know its scary, but trust me, you are going to have a great time. And it is fantastic to have you on the team.