Growing a sweater on one's face is perhaps the coolest thing that men can do anatomically. It's almost as cool as having a uterus. But a uterus is only a furnace during human incubation while the utilitarian beard is dependably warm and wooly regardless of the owner's age or fertility. Why more women haven't caught on to the beauty of beards is beyond me.

Facial hair is the ultimate unfussy male accessory that defies time and socioeconomic class. Beards imply ruggedness the way that spectacles suggest astute intellectual aptitude. And they've been making regular guys look mysterious for centuries. How else could the pretty guy above look so tough with little physical effort?

Ben Carson should consider growing a big bushy beard to offset his otherwise gentle demeanor. Because Carter-esque lamb types generally don't bode allegiance from righties as well as scrappers do. A beard on Dr. Carson might even illicit some degree of follicle envy from Trump.

Because you can't buy a great beard. It's a free gift.