Democrats Under Munificent Beliefs About Science & Socialism (Munificent - great word, huh? It means benevolent, but only the more 'refined' people would know. Join with us, and we will help you get some of that refinery.)

At last! An organization now exists where the truly enlightened can congregate with likeminded members of the elite. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi have already qualified for membership. Have you got what it takes to become a member, too? Here's a simple test to see if you qualify:

• Notice: This is the science portion of our test. In your responses please do not site sources other than those from qualified scientists - IE: no lawyers, politicians, marine biologists, or television scientists may be used as references.

1. (5 Points): You believe in human caused Global Warming because:

A). you studied climatology data on the planet's overall temperature changes over hundreds of millions of
years, and having discovered the earth's temperature routinely swings from
periods of being mostly warm and muggy to suffering under brutal ice age conditions,
even before mankind came along, you were able to put aside the fact the
dinosaurs existed quite comfortably on a planet filled with much more
greenhouse gases than we currently suffer under, once you actually managed to
find convincing scientific proof man-made pollutants would have killed off the
dinosaurs even sooner. (On the back, please explain what that convincing
scientific proof is and where you found it). Extra credit (2 points): -
In the course of your research did you find an explanation involving man-made
pollutants why Iceland and Greenland were warm and wonderful in the 9th
century, when Vikings first settled there, but by the 18th century those
islands, along with North America, had become many degrees colder? (Seriously,
we need that answer. It's been screwing up our theory for a couple decades).

B). you thoroughly checked into the science by examining the studies done on layers of polar ice
showing how much pollution has ever been pumped into the atmosphere for
hundreds of thousands of years then deposited on the ice caps through annual
precipitation, and after looking at that data you discovered not only how much
pollution was created by nature versus human beings for each and every century,
leading back to the first inch of ice ever formed, but also which centuries
were filled with the most man-made pollution. (Please indicate on the back of
the page which eras in history produced the most CO2 and other pollutants, and
which centuries had the most man-made pollution). Extra credit (2 points):
Which centuries, if any, did human caused greenhouse gases out produce gases
from natural sources such as volcanoes and frog flatulence?

C). you compared the computer projections from the 1980's and 90's predicting how much hotter the
planet would get 10 and 20 years into their future against the actual earth
temperature recorded by satellites over those periods. (Please indicate on the
back of the page which way the overall earth temperature moved, how closely it
matched the predictions, and what the actual change, if any, there was in the
planet's temperature. Also, in the event the predictions from the 80's and 90's
were off by a degree or more, please explain why too much CO2 screwed up the
computer calculations).

D). you were told by somebody else, possibly an educator or a dope smoking friend of yours, and you
trusted him or her enough you didn't need to actually do your own research.

2. (5 Points): You are certain Capitalism is basically an evil political system and should be replaced with a more-enlightened social system because:

A). you are not bothered by the fact no successful socialized system of government has ever worked very long without using a few capitalistic principles in the process, nor are you bothered by the
fact even the successful ones are slowly collapsing anyway, you believe this is
not the fault of the socialistic ideas themselves; it is the fault of moronic
and/or corrupt groups of people, such as Republicans, deliberately doing
everything they can to destroy the system before it becomes effective. (On the
back please explain the situation in Detroit where no Republican politician of
any kind has had any power since 1962, and show how the Republicans still
managed to create a secret right-wing conspiracy able to undermine every
socialistic idea ever implemented. Also list at least three instances between
1975 and 2010 where the noble and enlightened Democrat leaders of Detroit were
thwarted in their brave struggles to overcome financial ruin because of
economic roadblocks the evil Republican conspirators somehow managed to create
from deep inside the Democrat bureaucracy. Then explain the trick these same
conspirators used to get Detroit financially solvent again after the rotten
Republican Governor Rick Snyder convinced city leaders to try running Detroit
with fewer liberal methods. Please make an effort to sound reasonably educated
in your response. You'll receive no points if you come across like a conspiracy
nut).

B). you believe Capitalism is not a financial system where anybody can produce a good or a service and sell it for a profit at a rate based upon what other people are willing to pay; it is
actually a corrupt system created by the greedy rich after they discovered they
could make more money letting the little guy keep what modest amounts he/she
earned than they could ever get by creating an evil dictatorship to forcibly
extract the people's money more directly. (On the back please explain the
process required to create a large socialistic government system that is not
only able to completely provide all the things a truly fair society would make
available to its citizens, but would also successfully prevent the rich from
ever making more money). Extra Credit (2 Points): Under the ideal,
non-capitalistic, government controlled system, who ends up being the new, lazy
fat-cats?

C). you are aware 102 Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock with an idea to create a Utopian society where nobody was allowed to keep the fruits of his or her labor until it was distributed equally amongst
all members, (which you personally think was a great idea), and you believe the
reason all but 35 of them starved to death in a single winter wasn't because
people growing food for the use of the community are never as motivated as they
are when growing it for themselves, but rather it was because the Earth was mad
at the Pilgrims for exploiting the poor, peaceful Native Americans who were
much wiser than the white man. (On the back please explain what the Pilgrims
did later that caused them to have such an overabundance of food they were able
to share it with the Native Americans, thus causing the first Thanksgiving.
Please note: Answers suggesting any capitalistic methods were used to create a
larger production of goods and foodstuffs are considered a form of cheating and
will not be accepted.)

D). you were told by somebody else, possibly an educator or a dope smoking friend of yours, and you trusted him or her enough you didn't need to actually do your own research.

Results: Please ignore whatever score you achieved. Points
don't actually count because they make others feel bad. As with all forms of
competition, keeping track of points is mean. The important thing is everybody
scored well, and you all will be placed in a winning category. The categories
are as follows:

- If you answered D to both questions you are a special winner.
You not only qualify as a premium member of D.U.M.B.A.S.S. but also are
entitled to join our sister organization: Americans Helping Others Live
Equally & Spartanly (A.H.O.L.E.S.)

- If you answered A, B, or C to question 1, followed by A, B, or C to question 2, and were able to
provide convincing proof for each choice, you are not qualified, but you are still a winner. You should instead consider joining an elite triumvirate organization consisting of the three most distinguished groups ever to be formed:

1). Society Encouraging Leftist Philosophies

2). Determined Einstein's Certain Liberalism, Anarchy and Reformation Exemplify Democracy

3). Grandiose, Educated, Non Idiots Uncommonly Superior.

(NOTICE: S.E.L.Ph./D.E.C.L.A.R.E.D./G.E.N.I.U.S. is a difficult
organization to join. You will need to prove you are extremely intelligent, and
then you must demonstrate you are willing to put aside that intelligence
whenever it conflicts with certain political beliefs you still wish to hold).

- If you answered A, B, or C on one question and D on the other,
you qualify as a member, and are a winner, but further tests will have to be
taken to make sure S.E.L.Ph./ D.E.C.L.A.R.E.D./G.E.N.I.U.S. isn't a better fit
for you.

- Finally, if by chance you weren't able to understand most the
choices, and you really can't explain why you believe these things, you are
still a winner. You get to live in the greatest country on earth,
and you are entitled to all the privileges and opportunities it has to offer, even
if you don't understand them. Best of all, you don't need to be able to
complete the test to become a member of D.U.M.B.A.S.S. We will accept you
unconditionally! Your membership will allow you to attend classes where we will
teach you what to believe, and, as an added bonus, you will also be given the
secret method for correctly voting like a D.U.M.B.A.S.S whenever you don't
really know anything about the persons or issues on the ballot.

Congratulations to all our winners!

PS: Life to America!