Deck
the Maul
By
Declan Finn
[Real
name: John Konecsni]
'Twas
the morn of Black Friday, and all through the mall, chaos was
brewing, especially with the midgets at the Big and Tall.
Security
consultant Sean Ryan took the gathering of the redheads as the first
sign of trouble in the mall. They had started to swarm the first
anchor store around 10:30. The redheads - men, women, a few
children - were soon joined by men with green hair. The two tones
naturally sorted themselves out so that the red and the green were
evenly distributed throughout the gathering. By 11:00, they started
belting out a loud rendition of "Deck the Halls" that was less
sung and more shouted.
When
three hundred people do that at once, it's a little
loud--eardrum-shattering, even.
At
the other end of the mall, around 10:45, was a smaller problem--a
gathering of men and women, all under four feet tall. As he saw the
gathering, Sean Ryan had a disturbing flashback involving Hobbits and
being trapped in a burning Orc suit, but after that, merely watched
them.
While
the redheads weren't a major problem, this new gathering was a bit
more of a problem. At 11:00,
they put
out a sandwich board which identified them as the Society
for the Prevention of Abuse of Diminutive Elves--SPADE, for short
(pardon the expression).
Anyone
who read down the sandwich board did a double-take and moved on.
However, most people couldn't get past the bold green and red letters
that spelled out their acronym across the top.
Ryan
sighed as he studied both groups through the security cameras. "Is
it just me, or do you see a problem?"
Next
to him was Athena Marcowitz, a woman of so many nationalities and
ethnicities, she had a flow chart to explain to people she just met.
She was seated next to Ryan, looking at the same screen, and despite
the fact that he was standing, she could see eye-to-eye with him.
"We're sitting in a mall on Black Friday and I don't have a machete
with me. Where do you want to start?"
"The
attack of the redheads at Needless Markup, and the Hobbits over at
Big and Tall."
Athena
just gave him an arched eyebrow. "Really?"
He
pointed at the screen. "I can't make this crap up."
She
squinted at the screen, then blinked. "Huh. Odd. So, you're
thinking flash mob?"
"Two
of them," he muttered, half to himself. "Both setting up at
almost the same time. That sounds a little odd, don't you think?"
"How
do you figure? The mall's been open since yesterday. In terms of high
traffic, now is as good as last night, probably better. If you want a
better question, you can ask them why they hired you.
Didn't they read the property damage listed on your resume?"
He
shrugged. "Eh. No one ever believes it. That's why I give the real
numbers. After a while, the numbers become so big, they can't wrap
their brains around it. Besides, given some of the stampedes that
this mall has had on Black Friday, they wanted someone who worked
crowd control. And after two SF conventions that went sideways, I'm
sure that gave them the right impression."
Ryan
kept frowning at the screen, and absentmindedly smoothed out his
fire-engine red shirt, and pulled at the belt of his hunter-green
pants.
"Then
the next question should be who dressed you this morning."
He
didn't so much ignore her as not hear her. "Do you notice something
about these two groups?"
"They're
here and they're loud?" Athena asked.
"That,
too," he murmured. Sean leaned in closer. "How good are their
cameras?"
"Not
bad, but not great, either. We should be grateful we even have
color."
"Point
taken." He bunched up his lips, then headed for the door. "You
have over-watch. Ring me if something goes off, will you? I've got my
Bluetooth in."
Athena
glanced at him. "Where you going?"
"I
need a closer look."
"Don't
pull out your tactical baton just to clear the shoppers."
"No
promises."
Ryan
slipped into the halls of Woodrow Wilson Mall and didn't have to go
far to take a look at the first flash mob. The redheads and the
greenheads were perfectly color coordinated. With the redheads, their
shirts were green, their pants and backpacks were red, and the
greenheads were inverted. They were still belting out "Deck the
Halls."
Ryan
studied them for a little bit longer, then moved towards the midgets.
As he did, he came up with his own lyrics for the song.
Deck
the Mall with Poison Ivy, , fa la la la la, la la la la. 'Tis the
season to be Hostile, fa la la la la, la la la la. Mugger's gun right
up your nostril, fa la la la la, la la la la...
Sean
Ryan moved through the crowd with the ease of a dancer, slipping
between groups of people in motion, with openings that were only
there for a fraction of a second. While the only dancing he was
interested in was either the dance of death or capoeira, most people
would have said that his moving through the mall looked like a waltz.
As
he came across the Santa Claus outpost in the middle of the mall, he
was blocked off by the line of parents and children. He didn't even
break his stride as he jump-kicked off of a pillar. The move
propelled him towards a jewelery store archway. He grabbed onto the
molding below the store sign, and started edging his way along. He
dropped down on the other side of the Santa line, then dashed off.
And
people tell me that parkour isn't worth it,
he thought.
"Can't
you just get a jungle gym?" a parent yelled at him.
Ryan called over his shoulder,
"Looking at you mobs, I thought I was already in the jungle."
Ryan stepped past a family of
six, all trying to carry a castle of some sort. He bumped up against
someone who tried putting his hand in Ryan's pocket. He grabbed the
pickpocket's wrist, twisted his arm until he was leveraged to the
ground, zip-tied him, and left him on the ground.
"Pickup
in aisle three," he muttered into his Bluetooth.
"Check.
Cleanup is on the way," Athena said. "And I saw your stunt. You
really should get a jungle gym."
"I
live in a city," he answered as he ducked under curtain rods
someone carried on his shoulders. "It's called 'the concrete
jungle' for a reason."
"Some
people might consider that racist," she joked. "Jungles and
monkeys and all that."
"I
grew up in Hollyweird," he answered. He broke out into a clear
patch of hallway in front of GNC, and ran, full speed. He had enough
momentum to wall-run over another crowd. When he landed, he baseball
slid past two men carrying a ladder. "I have more street cred than
Shonda Rhimes."
"Who?"
"Don't
you watch television?"
"I
gave up on most media when they ruined the Jason Bourne novels."
Can't
argue there,
he thought as he slowed to a walk. The SPADE group seemed to have
grown bigger. He didn't pay much attention to anything they were
saying, except he thought there were a few Game of Thrones CosPlayers
among them. He looked them over, and tried to reason his way to a
conclusion. Something about both groups and their timing had put him
off from the beginning.
On his third scan of them, he
broke down their wardrobe. Unlike the redheads, the clothes weren't
uniform ...
Except
that they all had alternating red and green backpacks. Just like the
redheads. Oh
nuts.
Ryan
closed his eyes, and reviewed his memory of his run here. Dodge
this person. Slip past that person. Run, jump, grab ...
He blinked. He noted at least
two people with green backpacks, the same make and model of the ones
he'd seen thus far. Both wore watch caps. But one of them had green
sideburns.
Where
was I doing the parkour stunt? Oh nuts. A jewelery store.
Ryan tapped his Bluetooth. "How
many jewelery stores are by the Santa station?"
"Four.
Why?"
"The
flash mobs are a heist. The backpacks all match up."
"Really,
Sean? They're not exactly inconspicuous, and they're at the wrong end
of the mall."
Ryan saw one of the SPADE
members in front of him pull out a cellphone. The evil Hobbit smiled,
raised one hand, and shouted "Charge!"
SPADE moved as one, rushing out
into the mall proper. Ryan took three steps and threw himself into
the front runners, his body hitting them lengthwise. As they fell,
the rest swarmed around him. He came to his feet, and took the cell
phone from the leader who called the run. The text message was on the
screen: Now.
Ryan winced. "Aw crap.
Athena."
"The
redheads are on the move, too."
"They're
going to rush Santa!"
It wouldn't be hard to do the
math on this. At one end, three hundred rampaging redheads. At the
other, several dozen dwarfs who had already pissed off every black
shopper in the mall. In the middle were a few thousand shoppers who
were already crowded into one building like a sardine can.
Ryan grabbed the midget who
received the text and picked him up by the lapels. Since he could do
that with a six-foot weightlifter, this fellow wasn't a problem.
"Tell me the abort code."
The small thief sneered. "What
abort code?"
Ryan's eyes narrowed. "Listen
to me buddy--"
"Hey!
What are you doing to that guy! Just because he's smaller than you--"
Ryan barely looked as he slipped
away the cell phone, whipped out his tactical baton, and delivered a
low back-handed swing to the bystander's balls.
"--I
figured out what you were up to. Call it off! Or you start losing
body parts."
"You
can't touch me, cop." He pouted, as though about to cry, and his
voice became more high-pitched. "I'm disabled."
Ryan grinned. "I'm not a cop.
I'm private enterprise. There are no Miranda rights here. I'll be
happy to disappear your half-ass down the nearest mine shaft."
The thief stopped smiling.
*
The police Detective looked at
Sean Ryan and nodded. "After that?"
Ryan leaned against the patrol
car, a duffel bag over one shoulder. "I sent the abort code. That
sent the thieves to where you picked them up in the parking lot."
The cop nodded. "But those in
the flash mob who weren't involved? And couldn't be aborted? What
happened to them?"
"My
colleagues gassed them."
The
cop blinked. "You did what?"
Ryan took in a slow, deep
breath. He knew this would cause some problems. "My company
installed a whole collection of knockout gas canisters that were
strung from the ceiling as Christmas decorations. My colleague Athena
merely had to release the canisters. Once the abort code had been
sent, and the thieves were en route to the evac zone, she waited for
the mob to be stymied by the traffic flow. We figured everyone
involved would prefer a nap to being in a brawl."
"Point
taken. But expect some lawsuits."
"I'm
insured."
"I
just bet you are." The cop slid his notebook away. "So, what
makes you sure that you got all of 'em?"
Ryan said nothing. He took his
duffel bag off of his shoulder and dropped it on the ground. He
reached down and unzipped it. Inside was the thief he had cornered,
wrapped up in Christmas tree lights, with a small round ornament
stuffed in his mouth, like he was a pig at a roast.
In bad, Al Pacino Spanglish,
Ryan said, "Say hello to my little friend."
I've been meaning to do this for a while now, butDie Hardis a perfect movie.
Seriously, perfect. From almost every angle. Writing-wise, it's a textbook marvel of how to write. Cinematically, it's perfectly shot. Acting wise, it's pitch perfect.
Let me show you what I mean. At least writing-wise. I'm not sure I'm good enough to do this for cinematography, but I may give it a shot later on. I started writing this expecting to go over everything I mentioned, but I may not be able to. There's a LOT to cover in one topic alone.
And obviously, spoiler alert.
Quotable Quotes
We all know that the dialogue is brilliant. IfDie Hardis not the most quoted and quotable film out there, it's probably in the top ten list. Tell me you can't see the exact moment, or fill in the blanks of all of the following...
In German: "Karl, schiess dem Fenster."
".... and father of five."
"Happy Trails _____"
"Boom! Two points!"
"I'm going to count to three. ________ there will not be a four."
"Rumor is that Arafat buys his there."
"What kind of _____ are you?" "Who said we were ______?"
"No Relation."
"We're going to need some more FBI guys."
"I don't want ______ I want dead."
"HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS. Why'd you have to __________?"
"That man looks ________." "He's alive. Only John _________"
And, of course, "Yippie Kay Yay, _________"
We all know that. However, what I mean is how well the Gun in Act One is utilized. Don't know what I mean? It's also called Chekov's Gun.
Chekov's Gun
Basically, if you're going to fire a gun in act three, you show the gun in act one. Conversely, if you show the gun in act one, you better follow up on it in act three. It's a basic plot point, and basic setting up said point. You take an item you show early on, and you whip it out as a plot point in the last round.
Agatha Christie did it a lot --showing you something constantly, and revealing that it's of dire importance to the solution of the mystery.
In the case ofDie Hard, small, little things impact the plot all over the place. Everything from the cocaine problems of Gary Ellis to a simple stupid Rolex watch. Don't believe me? Let's review a few things.
If you remember the story, NYPD officer John McClane heads over to LA to visit his separated wife Holly for Christmas at her place of business. Using the computer that runs the building, he has discovered that his wife is going by her maiden name. He also finds that she has a sleezy suitor, Gary Ellis -- Ellis has a bit of a drug problem, and is lusting after Holly. Then terrorists take over the building.
And every single sentence of that paragraph is integral to the plot.
Obviously, the terrorists and McClane heading over to LAarethe plot, but everything else feeds into it.
Holly using her maiden name seems like a petty relationship problem, but using her maiden name keeps her alive, even after the terrorists find out who McClane is. In a fit of frustration, early in the film, Holly slams down her family photo ... which is a good thing, because the leader Hans takes over her office, and doesn't realize who she is until the last act.
The fact that the computer runs the building is the only way that the terroristscantake total control over an entire skyscraper.
Ellis' drug problem escalates as the movie goes on, making him take a risky chance with Hans that will cost him his life ... but at the same time, his desire for Holly keeps him from turning her over, and Ellis even makes it a point to stress that he didn't give Holly up. Before the terrorist takeover, Ellis shows off that he gave Holly a Rolex ... which became the second-to-last "gun" fired in the entire movie. If you remember the film, you might remember that Ellis' watch kills Hans, and saves the day.
If you don't remember how the watch saves the day, that's one thing I'm NOT going to spoil.
Dialogue, Character, and Plot
Every line in the movie adds to the film. Nothing is wasted. And if there is something, I can't see it. Yes, there's a reason I'm not breaking this up, mainly the dialogue feeds into both the character and the plot ... and because character adds an extra dynamic to this plot.
The first scene alone does so much, it's stupid. Remember, the scene is John McClane talking to the passenger next to him on an airplane. It gives him a reason to be shoeless during the movie, and establishes his profession, and is already adding to his character by both giving us his CV in a smooth, effortless way. It establishes his anxiety about flying, giving him a cute character trait. Also, it already shows us just how much of a smartass he can be... McClane's shoeless wardrobe "choice" in the film leads into a brilliant, brilliant moment that deeply hurts him later on.
We've already covered how the Rolex adds to the plot, and that was all covered in three lines of dialogue -- it both underscores Ellis' pursuit of Holly, struts it before John McClane, and dangles this metaphorical gun in front of the audience's face without anyone realizing how integral ANY of it actually is. Ellis, who has few lines in the movie, serves many functions. One, his presence gives a counterpoint to McClane's actions throughout the film -- no matter how many gunman McClane takes out, he's still only one person. Ellis is one of the many realists in this film, but the only one who is among the hostages.
Ellis' strutting egomania, his coke problem, and his focus on Holly all culminates in the pinnacle of his arc. His egomania and his drug problem drive him to try and negotiate with Hans and company -- he thinks he can talk them down, give them what they want, and they can all go home. And while he gives them McClane's name and occupation, Ellis makes it a point to spin the story thathebrought McClane to the party, and there is no mention of Holly. For such a minor character, Ellis provides a lot.... even though giving up John's name will eventually lead to Holly. And his death is one of the few things that hurts McClane.
And that's a secondary character. Maybe even tertiary.
Dialogue establishes a lot in this movie. It establishes Mr. Takagi's character and backstory with Hans' first speech, and adds an emotional blow to Takagi's death. The offhand lines about needing the FBI, and "it's all part of the plan" feed into the turning point of the film, and a mystery that is on par with any twist byMission: Impossible,Leverage, or Jeffery Deaver. In fact, I would say that Deaver was warped byDie Hard.
A lot of things in the second half of this movie are almost perfect mirrors to stuff from the first half. The conversation between John and Holly in (what I think is) her private bathroom leads directly to a conversation that is the turning point of the film... which is also in a bathroom. McClane is at his lowest point. He's been wounded physically and emotionally. It's the flip side of the earlier conversation with Holly, and while it's depressing, it has a point, and also accomplishes much. McClane's relationship with the LAPD Sgt. Powell, outside of the building comes to a head, and it leads directly to the punchline.
Dialogue, and the Little Touches
And there are aspects that are not major, massive plot points, but are little things. It was Michelangelo, I think, who said that trifles make perfection, and that perfection is no trifle. In the case ofDie Hard, it's the small things that add a surprising amount of character to people who serve some very basic functions.
Heck, just look at the character shown in Hans' merry band of killers, and the LAPD, who are most assuredly the most basic part of this endeavor.
For example, look at "Karl." He's the Bond Villain sidekick of this film. But the first time we see him is carrying a chain saw, about to cut the phone cables for the building...and he's competing against another gunman, who's trying to either bypass the alarm for the building, or cut the phone system via a more elegant, less brutal fashion, I could never tell. But you could tell from that scene alone that the two gunman arebrothers, and that the death of the youngerbrother by McClane (the first gunman he kills), drives Karl throughout the film, giving him solid reasons for actions that are detrimental to Hans and his plans.
Then there's the terrorist who sets up shop in a confection stand, bringing out piles upon piles of gun magazines .... and grabs a candy bar.
Then there's Theo, the Hacker. Who gambles, likes sports and sports analogies, and takes his computer job seriously, yet treats everything else with a sense of levity. He's dour and serious about breaking into the computer and the building's vault, but cracks jokes as he coordinates the gunmen to shoot and blow up a bunch of cops.
And then there's the chauffeur, Argyle, whose presence in the film is almost comic relief -- whether we're laughing at his obliviousness to the situation, or his line to the stuffed animal to "shut up," and even his little victory over Hans' hacker.
Conclusion
Obviously, I can go on forever about this movie (as though I haven't already), but let's face it, it's a good film with lots of little things thrown in that make it a great movie. Notice, there are a whole bunch of things Ididn'tmention that are also writing moments.
Such as?
Hans and McClane, face to face, giving the audience a much-needed confrontation between hero and enemy...
Enough C4 to Orbit Arnold Schwarzenegger..."Heinrich had the detonators"... all feed into the finale...
Why Hans is possibly the most quotable movie villainever. He's cultured, he's educated, he's well dressed, he reads all the "right" magazines, and he's such a cold-blooded, callous murderer...
HowDie Hardalso has elements of parody, going after both the media and the FBI.
There's a lot here, but this article is almost two thousand words long already. Though I think there's no denying thatDie Hardcould be used to teach writing classes.