by Curtis Edmonds
Liberty Island Preview! Here’s a sample piece from our first issue, political satire from Curtis Edmonds.
JIM LEHRER: Good evening, and welcome to Hempstead, New York, for tonight’s town hall debate between President Barack Obama and former Governor Mitt Romney. As you know, tonight’s debate is sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates. We are honored to be the guests of Hofstra University tonight. We would also like to give a warm welcome to attendees of the Central Long Island Fantastical Fiction Convention. As you know, CLIFF-CON had originally reserved this venue, but its members have been very gracious and have agreed to share the space for the evening.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Excuse me, Jim, could you repeat that last part again?
GOVERNOR MITT ROMNEY: I don’t remember anything in the debate prep materials about another convention.
JIM LEHRER: Pursuant to the agreed format, we will take pre-screened questions from the attendees. First, we have Science Officer Phillip Weaver from the USS Stargazer with a question on science policy.
SCIENCE OFFICER WEAVER: Our space program is currently at a crossroads. The next President will have a number of difficult decisions to make. In your opinion, should scientific research be focused on developing dilithium crystal warp drive technology, or more efficient impulse drive nacelles?
OBAMA: Well, uh, let me first say, live long and prosper. [Applause.] Second, let me say that my administration has taken the lead in reforming NASA and refocusing its mission to achievable goals, in partnership with private industry. But our goal should be, and remains, a manned mission to Mars, and that involves more conventional propulsion at this time.
ROMNEY: Well, let me say, that like all Americans, I honor your service in… um… what kind of uniform is that?
LEHRER: That’s a Star Trek uniform, Governor Romney. From the original series, if I’m not mistaken.
ROMNEY: All right, then. When I was at Bain Capital, we did a lot of research on faster than light space travel, and it turns out that it’s just not economically feasible at this time. But there’s more we can do in space to open it up to tourism, and asteroid mining, and future scientific discovery.
LEHRER: Our next question is from Celestina Moleworth, a concerned parent.
MOLEWORTH: Thank you so much. And I am concerned. My daughter is in high school, and she wanted to start up a support group for her fellow students who are Hufflepuffs, and the principal turned her down, because there was already a wizarding organization on campus. Of course, that other organization is all Gryffindor children, and my daughter just felt so out of place.
LEHRER: You need to ask a question, please.
MOLEWORTH: I guess what I’m asking is, what can you do to prevent discrimination and bullying in education on the basis of magical affiliation?
ROMNEY: I am very sorry. I know you’re concerned for your daughter, and obviously everyone supports the importance of education. But you’ll have to forgive me, because I don’t understand why you’re upset.
OBAMA: I got this.
ROMNEY: You understood all that?
OBAMA: Harry Potter.
ROMNEY: Who is Harry Potter? [Boos.]
OBAMA: We are a great nation. And we’re a great nation because we all make an effort to understand each other, and work together to resolve our differences. I want to be the President who brings Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors together. [Applause.] And if you want to be a Slytherin in this country, or a Eagleclaw, you ought to be free to do that. [Boos.]
ROMNEY: I thought you had this.
OBAMA: Wait. Sorry. Just got a text from Sasha. She says it’s Ravenclaw. Sorry about that.
LEHRER: Let’s go to the next question, on health care policy, from Mr. Victor Peacewalker.
PEACEWALKER: In this country, we spend untold billions of dollars on cellular and genetic research, but not one penny of that goes to the study of midi-chlorians. [Boos.} The prequels are just as much canon as the original trilogy, and you all know it. [More boos.] If we can unlock the secret of midi-chlorians, we can harness the power of the Force.
ROMNEY: I’m sorry, but none of you people are making any kind of sense.
OBAMA: I don’t know how to answer that, sir, but may the Force be with you. [Applause.]
ROMNEY: Maybe we can go to the next question, Jim.
LEHRER: The next question is from a Ser Voros Spearsong.
SPEARSONG: Gentlemen. If you could choose to be the leader of one of the Great Houses of Westeros, which house would you choose to lead?
SPEARSONG: Yes, sir.
ROMNEY: From Game of Thrones, Mr. President.
OBAMA: I know that. I do. Michelle watches it. You understand, though, I’m the leader of the Free World. I don’t have that much time for television right now, all right? What I can tell you, though, is that I met Peter Dinklage at an event in Los Angeles recently. He’s a great actor, very talented. So I guess I would have to say the Lannister house. Is that right? [Applause.]
LEHRER: Governor Romney?
ROMNEY: I have a question for the President.
LEHRER: That’s not allowed under this format, Governor.
ROMNEY: I’m going to ask anyway. Mr. President, what do Lannisters always do?
LEHRER: Governor, I can’t let you do that.
ROMNEY: What do Lannisters always do, Mr. President?
OBAMA: Um, I don’t know. Incest?
ROMNEY: Lannisters always pay their debts! [Applause.] And that’s the trouble we have in this country, we keep accumulating debt that we have no way to pay off.
LEHRER: Governor Romney, you might try answering the question.
ROMNEY: I have an answer. I stand with House Targaryen. Our words are Fire and Blood. [Enthusiastic applause.] And on November 2nd, we will take back our country!
OBAMA: Jim, do something.
LEHRER: Governor, you might want to take a moment.
ROMNEY: We will take back what has been stolen from us, and destroy those who have wronged us!
LEHRER: And that concludes tonight’s debate. Thank you again to Hofstra University, CLIFF-CON, and the Commission on Presidential Debates.
OBAMA: I had Osama bin Laden killed, and it still isn’t enough. How come Bill Clinton never had to deal with crap like this? I ask you.
ROMNEY [shouting]: I am the blood of the dragon! [Wild applause and cheering.]
Curtis Edmonds is an attorney and writer living in New Jersey. www.curtisedmonds.com