A 30-Second Guide to How the Planned Parenthood Footage Affects You
Unless you're a baby in the womb about to be "crushed above" or "crushed below," this doesn't affect you in any way.
In case you missed it, the Center for Medical Progress showed footage of Dr. Deborah Nucatola, the senior director of medical services at Planned Parenthood, trying to sell the body parts of aborted babies. Lots of pro-lifers have made loud noises about this footage on Facebook and Twitter. Many words were written, some of them hurtful.
So I thought it would be useful to provide a thirty-second guide to how this footage affects them.
If You Are a Baby Who Has Survived Birth:
Congratulations! The state has recognized you as a person, and you have all the rights of other Americans who have achieved this amazing feat. Happy birthday.
If You Are a Baby in the Womb Who Wants to Survive Long Enough to Be Born:
We wish you the best of luck, and hope you make it the whole nine months without meeting Dr. Deborah Nucatola or people who think like her. Have you considered coming out a bit early, just to be sure? I did, and it's an experience I don't hesitate strongly to recommend.
If You Are a Baby Who Does Not Want to Be Aborted:
As long as you can stay away from Dr. Deborah Nucatola or people who think like her, you should be all right. It's a common misunderstanding to think that this footage affects you in any way.
If You Are an Adult Who Has Not Been Aborted:
This footage does not affect you in any way.
If You Are a Member of a Church That Believes Abortion Is Wrong:
This footage does not affect you in any way. Unless your church loses its tax-exempt status for believing in the wrong thing.
If You Are a Religious Official Who Believes Abortion Is Wrong:
This footage does not affect you in any way. Unless your church loses its tax-exempt status for believing in the wrong thing.
If You Are an Individual Who Believes Abortion Is Wrong for Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:
This footage does not affect you in any way. Unless someone who disagrees with you talks to your employer about your unacceptable religious beliefs in an attempt to get you fired, in which case you should have kept your fat mouth shut.
If You Are an Individual Who Believes Abortion Is Wrong for Non-Religious Reasons, and Wish to Continue Expressing Those Beliefs:
This footage does not affect you in any way. Unless someone who disagrees with you talks to your employer about your unacceptable beliefs in an attempt to get you fired, in which case you should have kept your fat mouth shut.
If You Are an Adult Who Believes This Footage Adversely Affects the Culture of Preserving Life in General:
This footage does not affect you in any way.
If You Are an Adult Who Believes This Footage Negatively Affects You in Some Way:
This footage does not affect you in any way.
If You Are an Adult Who Suffers Anger or Horror at the Thought of People Trafficking in Dead Baby Parts, and Believes the Only Cure Is to Defund Planned Parenthood:
This footage will cause you some anger or horror. Otherwise, this footage does not affect you in any way.
Hope this helps!
(Inspired by this typically glib, shallow piece by Cracked.)
Posted July 15 2015 by David Dubrow
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David Dubrow is a writer who lives on Florida's west coast. He has published two novels, several essays, and a non-fiction book on surviving a zombie apocalypse.